Words for a Grief Ritual
Isaiah 53, Matthew 5, Matthew 21, Luke 22
Suggestions for communal grief and lament, in four liturgical movements.
The grief ritual can be practiced over a series of weeks or all within a single gathering.
Because we love sincerely…
we also grieve deeply the experience of loss, change, and disconnection.
It’s been said that grief is the other side of love. By feeling, speaking, and giving witness to our grief together, we can be nourished by that love. And by grieving well, we ready ourselves to receive Christ’s love in a new form on the horizon.
One way we can be present to one another’s grief is by gathering for a simple ritual in four movements:
Sadness, Anger, Light, and Thanksgiving
You might gather a group of friends, or a community which can meet as a whole or in small groups. We have tried this in four meetings, over four weeks. We have also tried this all in one afternoon or evening. It works well either way. You might provide reflection questions to participants ahead of time, but that is not necessary. Participants can be invited to spend quiet time in the days leading up to the ritual to help prepare, but that’s also not necessary.
It is often enough for participants to simply show up, be provided with time for silent reflection along with voluntary sharing, and move through the four movements together in prayer, breathing, and deep listening. Utilizing all the senses can be a helpful way to enter more deeply into the embodied practice of ritual. Having available a small bit of salt, a knotted rope, a tealight candle, pieces of chocolate—or whatever other sensory objects your community finds helpful—can help anchor us in the body which helps us stay present to God and one another.
The community that grieves together discovers Christ is present in that grief.
Through this ritual, we might learn to tell the story of our grief,
which is also the story of our love,
and God’s presence with us through any circumstance.
A Grief Ritual in Four Movements
The first movement
Sadness
suggested sensory object: a bit of salt
Sadness helps us name what is painful about change, loss, and disconnection.
Imagine (or sample) the taste of salt,
the taste of tears.
As you become aware of sadness and grief inside you…
- What have you lost?
- Which changes have been hardest to endure?
- What will you miss about the way things were?
Jesus grieved the death of a friend, the brokenness surrounding him,
he was known as a “man of sorrows, acquainted with grief” (Isaiah 53).
Sharing is voluntary and encouraged.
After a round of silent reflection, what are you noticing?
What’s happening inside you?
In this moment, what support would feel helpful from your friends?
The second movement
Anger
suggested sensory object: a knotted rope
Anger helps us name where we feel injured, helpless, wronged, or protective.
Imagine (or touch) a knot
yanked tighter and tighter.
As you become aware of anger inside you…
- What injustices have you witnessed or endured?
- When have you felt helpless or wronged?
- Over whom are you feeling protective?
Jesus expressed anger when those in power abused their power,
injuring the vulnerable (Matthew 21).
Sharing is voluntary and encouraged.
After a round of silent reflection, what are you noticing?
What’s happening inside you?
In this moment, what support would feel helpful from your friends?
The third movement
Light (Hope)
suggested sensory object: a tealight candle
Light helps us name what we hope for, the expectation of a slowing rising dawn.
Imagine (or look toward) the light of a small candle
and the difference that tiny flame can make.
Light and hope lift our spirits; we smile and laugh easier.
As you become aware of light and hope inside you…
- What is bringing you hope in this moment?
- What memories are making you smile or laugh?
- What are you looking forward to in the future?
Jesus calls us the “light of the world” (Matthew 5)
as we are capable of sparking the light of hope in one another.
Sharing is voluntary and encouraged.
After a round of silent reflection, what are you noticing?
What’s happening inside you?
In this moment, what support would feel helpful from your friends?
The fourth movement
Thanksgiving
suggested sensory object: pieces of chocolate
Thankfulness helps us name what we love and wish to hold onto–
insights, relationships, skills, wisdom.
Imagine (or savor) the flavor of something delicious.
Giving thanks increases our awareness of the comfort we’ve been provided in our grief.
As you become aware of gratitude inside you…
- How has grief revealed to you what and whom you love?
- From whom have you received comfort?
- What gifts of love do you wish to hold onto?
Jesus gave thanks in the breaking of the bread (Luke 22).
Sharing is voluntary and encouraged.
After a round of silent reflection, what are you noticing?
What’s happening inside you?
In this moment, what support would feel helpful from your friends?
Additional Rituals
Burial (Saying Goodbye)
suggested sensory object: soil
In earth or a container of soil,
bury an object
and/or allow the soil to run through your fingers.
- What are you letting go of?
- What are you saying goodbye to?
- What are you leaving behind?
"We have been buried with him by baptism into death,
so that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father,
so we too might walk in newness of life." (Romans 6)
Fire (Releasing)
suggested sensory object: a safe fire pit
In a fireplace or safe outdoor pit,
burn a piece of paper
containing words or images you are releasing.
- What are you releasing to God?
- What is being turned into ashes?
- What is being refined by fire?
"For love is as strong as death... its flashes are flashes of fire,
the very flame of the Lord." (Song of Solomon 8)
Anointing (Receiving)
suggested sensory object: essential oil
With essential oil,
pray a blessing over yourself
or one another,
anointing the forehead or back of the hand
with the sign of the cross.
- What new identity are you receiving?
- What new calling are you saying “yes” to?
- What new blessings are you preparing yourself to receive?
"Therefore God, your God, has anointed you with the oil of gladness" (Psalm 45)
∞
Liturgical practices which nourish the brain and the spirit share these factors in commong:
they are rooted in scripture and tradition, imitative of Jesus, and help us to remember and tell the story of the nonviolent, nonpunishing, unconditionally forgiving image of God reflected in Jesus.
Please reach out to share what you’re finding helpful for you and your community.
Connect with friends who are also interested in the relationship between scripture, theology, and neuroscience by following us @thebrainandthespirit.
Listening with you,
Questions for reflection:
When have you found it helpful to grieve together with friends or in a community?
Which movement of a grief ritual is most difficult for you to engage?
What impact does witnessing the grief of others have on your nervous system?
Further reading:
Isaiah 53:3, Matthew 5:13–16, Matthew 21:12–13, Luke 22: 19
Systematic Theology: Ecclesiology
The Brain & the Spirit, Chapter 7, Reconnection, “The Body of Christ,” pp. 153–156
