The twist is that each person’s nervous system has a different threshold, based on our memories. Brain science may be able to point us toward a useful way to think about what is and what isn’t “violent.” Under a threat alert (real or imagined), our brainstem is activated. Our heart races. Stress chemicals are released. As stress increases, our body feels discomfort, pain, and distress approaching agony. When a threat alert is chronic, it becomes physically, mentally, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually taxing to us. And when our body is under an extreme threat alert, higher learning shuts down in the brain.

Conceiving of the church as a “body” transforms the quality of our relationships. Being a “body” renders every conversation, disagreement, and mutual discernment potentially sacred. Being a “body” together transforms occasions of conflict into opportunities to listen to one another and enter into spiritual discernment together.

I was five years old, playing with my cousin Jenny. We hatched a plan to say aloud every swear word we knew. We sat crosslegged on her bedroom floor. In a whisper, Jenny launched into her list of words. She had an impressive list. When she paused, I boldly inserted the only word I knew: “Damn.” Jenny added more words; meanwhile shame-heat rushed to my face and I thought, “God heard me and now I won’t go to heaven.”