What does it mean to be rejected?
Our text for today…
invites us into a conversation about a human experience we can probably all relate to, and it’s one that we spend a lot of our lives trying to avoid. We’re going to explore what it means to be rejected.
It’s a distressing topic and at the same time my goal is to offer us a helpful way to think about the experience of rejection, why it hurts, why it may sometimes be worth the risk, and how the Christ story may be a source of comfort when we suffer rejection for living what we believe.
So as a way to begin, I wonder if we might first get clear on what the experience of rejection feels like, so we’re all more or less on the same page.
What does rejection feel like?
I know it’s not pleasant to think about, and at the same time if you’re willing, think of an experience, maybe on the playground or school cafeteria, or in a relationship. Last year many of you know I experienced being rejected in the context of a relationship I had trusted and perhaps that’s been your experience too, or perhaps it was in a job or a group of people we wanted to belong to.
When you’re ready, turn to someone next to you or type in the chat a word or a phrase that captures some of the feeling of being rejected? What words come to mind?
So we may all be a little uncomfortable now, but we’re not alone, and we’re headed to a hopeful place, so what words or phrases surfaced for you? What does rejection feel like?
Brain researchers tell us there’s a good reason why the experience of rejection can send our bodies into panic, or shame, anger, or grief. According to brain scans social pain, travels through the gray matter of our brain along some of the same neural networks--the same pathways--as physical pain.
Those researchers like to say, “Sticks and stones may break our bones, and words can also hurt us.” And in terms of the threat to our wellbeing as perceived by our brains—social pain and physical pain may be indistinguishable.
And two of our community values—participation and empathy—both signal our deep desire that no one suffer rejection within our community, we desire to be a place of deep belonging and diversity.
At the same time, in our text today Jesus invites us to be aware that there may be times when living what we believe means risking rejection and possible suffering, in order to fulfill our loving reason for being here.
Ruby Sales (File photo)
So here’s perhaps a helpful example to start us off. Ruby Sales and Jonathan Daniels were two young civil rights activists in the 60’s, Ruby a courageous Black teenager and Jonathan a white Episcopal seminary student. They were arrested in a group of protestors in a small town in Alabama, and they sat in jail for several days and then released into the August heat. They headed to a nearby general store to buy sodas. That’s when a white townsperson pointed a shotgun at young Ruby to stop her from entering, and Jonathan stepped between her and the bullet and was killed.
Ruby and Jonathan considered rejection worth the risk in order to live what they believed and fulfill their loving reason for being here. And Ruby didn’t stop; after Jonathan’s death, she went on to enroll in the same seminary where Jonathan had been studying. She continued her activism and still today Ruby Sales is a powerful preacher and theological voice for us all.
So where in the Christ story do we imagine Ruby and Jonathan may have found comfort when the time came that they were invited to suffer rejection for living what they believed? Here at Vox we have been exploring how to move from contemplation into action, to advocate for our neighbors and put into practice what we believe. And the reality is, sometimes that may mean risking rejection from those in power who are abusing their power. And my hope today is to offer us some helpful ways to think about where we might find comfort in the Christ story if and when the invitation to risk rejection arrives for us.
Then he began to teach them that the Son of Man must undergo great suffering, and be rejected by the elders, the chief priests, and the scribes, and be killed, and after three days rise again. He said all this quite openly. Mark 8
So we’re in Mark chapter 8: “Then Jesus began to teach them that the Son of Man must undergo great suffering, and be rejected by the elders, the chief priests, and the scribes, and be killed, and after three days rise again.
And we’re going to explore in a moment some of the possible reasons for this word “must” -- why would Jesus say that this must happen?
But first let’s wonder together about why Jesus may have said all of this openly to his friends before it happened.
When I think about that question, I imagine on the one hand, he may have been considering his friends feelings’ and not wanting them to be blindsided by what was about to happen.
On the other hand, he may also have needed his friends support to go through with what was about to happen. Because Jesus was also human, we can imagine his brain, his nervous system functioned much like ours – and when we are suffering rejection we need the support of a few trusted people. As I’ve been healing this year from the pain of rejection, some friends in this community have come around me with remarkable creativity and courage. Our connection to those we trust is what grounds us when we suffer rejection and it helps us endure it.
And Amy Banks, MD tell us there’s a precise number of trustworthy people we need in our lives.
the power of five
And that number is five… it turns out, we do better when we are connected to at least five trustworthy relationships. God can be one and we need at least four others.
Name your five - which relationships help us endure rejection?
So if we wish to be capable of enduring rejection when the time comes, we might find it helpful to take inventory, who are your five? We can imagine Jesus trusted in Peter, James, John, Martha, Mary - relationships where he gave and received mutual support that may have been essential for helping him endure rejection when it proved unavoidable. And I don’t think we need to get hung up on the number, but maybe consider, is there perhaps a trustworthy relationship you sense God nudging you to invest a little more in, someone who could be a support to you in times of rejection, and who you could support in return?
So to recap, Jesus tells his friends, I must suffer and be rejected and killed, and after three days rise again. And then our text picks up here saying this,
And Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. But turning and looking at his disciples, he rebuked Peter and said, “Get behind me, Satan! For you are setting your mind not on divine things but on human things.” Mark 8
Peter took Jesus aside and began to rebuke him, “Never! this will never happen to you!” Then turning, looking at his disciples, Jesus rebuked Peter. “Get behind me, Satan! You are setting your mind not on divine things but human things.”
This interchange is a little cringy. But let’s notice that in this interchange with Peter, Jesus seems to have clearly discerned his loving reason for being here, the one reason that, for him, makes rejection and suffering worth the risk. And by exploring the process Jesus went through to arrive at that clarity, I wonder if we might find some helpful guidance for our own discernment process.
If we flip back to the beginning of Jesus’ story, we find a scene where he speaks these same four words, “Get behind me Satan.” He’s in the wilderness for 40 days fasting and praying and the devil takes him to high point looking down on the city, the Roman army, the palaces of the wealthy, and we can imagine part of Jesus thinking I could take control of all of this; with my privilege and power, I could protect and defend me and my people. The gospels tells us the crowd did in fact intend to force Jesus to be their king; it was a temptation he wrestled with.
But in the wilderness, Jesus discerned an entirely different loving reason for being here. A reason to say “no” to power and privilege in that form, and “yes” to rejection and suffering.
So when the devil tempts him, Jesus says “Get behind me!” and we’re told then the devil flees and Jesus relaxes. He emerges from the wilderness more clear about his reason for being here and even though it’s going to involve rejection and suffering, he seems more at peace.
And now in Mark 8 we’re closer to the end of the story, and Jesus is tempted again, this time by Peter, saying, “Never! There’s got to be another way. This will never happen!”
And I think it’s important to remember that Jesus has already done his discerning at this point, he’s arrived at the clarity he needs.
But Peter is still in the wilderness, several steps behind Jesus, catching up in his own discernment process.
And let’s also keep in mind that Peter and Jesus are close friends; they had fished together, fed crowds together, Jesus had called Peter to walk out on the water and then saved him from drowning.
Peter may be wondering if Jesus is drowning now and needs to be saved by him. For Peter, it may have felt intolerable to imagine his friend whom he loves being rejected and suffering.
Think of your friends, like if any of my friends came to me and said, “hey Gena, I’ve been praying and I’m more clear now about the path God has for me,”
I’d say, “I’m so happy you could trust me to tell me. How can I help you fulfill your loving reason for being here? What has to happen?”
And I would mean it.
And then if the answer came back, “Well, I have to be rejected and suffer and be killed…”
I’d be like, “No way in hell I’m going to let that happen– there’s got to be another way. This can never happen!”
And at the same time, when Jesus hears this, he may have felt frustrated, he needed the support of his friends in order to prepare to do this hard thing and instead he’s perhaps feeling rejected by Peter in this moment.
Relational researchers call this “waging good conflict” and I’ll invite us to hear this interchange between Jesus and Peter as good conflict waged between two friends who love each other and who are arguing about the Big Question we’re exploring today – when is rejection and suffering worth the risk?
“There are four questions of importance in life: What is sacred? What is the spirit? What is worth living for? And what is worth dying for? … And the answer to all of them is the same: only love.” – Umberto Eco
Umberto Eco once said there are four questions worth wrestling with in this life: What is sacred? What is the Spirit? What’s worth living for? And what is worth dying for? … And he said the answer to all of them is the same: only love.”
Name our loving reason –
what would make rejection worth the risk?
So what is our loving reason for being here?
Perhaps we might find it meaningful to spend some time discerning what that singular loving reason is for each of us; the one reason that for us would make rejection worth the risk. And perhaps we might begin talking openly with those we trust about our reason as we’re discerning it, so that when the invitation to risk rejection arrives we can be rooted in clarity, and we can be a support for one another.
Alright, so our text concludes with Jesus saying this.
He called the crowd with his disciples, and said to them, “If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake, and for the sake of the gospel, will save it. For what will it profit them to gain the whole world and forfeit their life? Indeed, what can they give in return for their life? Mark 8
“If anyone wants to become my follower, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake, and for the sake of the gospel, will save it. For what will it profit them to gain the whole world and forfeit their life? Indeed, what can they give in return for their life?”
So we’ve arrived now at the question, where in the Christ story might we find comfort, if and when the moment arrives for us to take up our cross and follow Jesus into rejection and possible suffering?
I’ve thought and prayed and listened to the Spirit about this a lot… and I’ll invite us to consider this.
Rejection = Abandonment + Blame
Rejection is a combination of two human experiences: abandonment, being left alone and vulnerable, plus blame - the message that it’s your fault… it’s because of something you did, you deserve this.
And our human systems of justice are founded on the notion that we only inflict rejection and suffering on someone when they’re to blame; when it’s deserved, to punish and correct bad behavior.
On the cross, however, Jesus revealed that our notions of justice are often misinformed. And when we take it upon ourselves to inflict rejection and suffering on someone in the name of justice, we cannot assume God is behind that.
I believe this may have been why Jesus had to be rejected by the elders, priests, and scribes, the keepers of the Law, those who maintained—as we mistakenly do today—that when someone suffers rejection, they are to blame, the punishment is deserved. That’s the assumption.
And by taking up his cross, Jesus turned that assumption inside out.
On the cross, Jesus was punished and endured rejection and suffering that was not deserved. There was no blame in him. No bad behavior to correct.
And in opening his arms then to those who had rejected him, Jesus revealed that even when we reject others, God does not reject us.
And so when we ourselves are rejected and suffer, whether deserved or undeserved, when we reflect on the Christ story, we find Jesus right here beside us… rejected and suffering along with us…
He called the crowd with his disciples, and said to them, “If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake, and for the sake of the gospel, will save it. For what will it profit them to gain the whole world and forfeit their life? Indeed, what can they give in return for their life? Mark 8
And if any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves, take up their cross and follow me.
I wonder if the invitation to us, in these closing words, is to follow Christ by finding the courage to fulfill our loving reason for being here. And to put into practice what we believe, by standing beside and suffering with those who are rejected, knowing that may sometimes mean risking rejection ourselves.
And when rejection and suffering find us—regardless of the reason— I wonder if our invitation is to follow Christ by enduring it as he did, with trust and hope.
Name our hope – how does the Christ story comfort us when we suffer rejection?
So where in the Christ story do we find hope that is capable of comforting us when we suffer rejection? How would we name that hope? For me… I’ve found hope in Jesus’ words, “after three days I will rise again” not that I know what rising looks like in this life, but I find comfort in trusting that death is not the end of the story.
Abandonment is not the end, blame is not the end, suffering is not the end..… rejection is not the end. God is love and love is stronger than anything, and love never rejects us.
Please pray with me.
May we reflect on the Christ story
and be comforted by the reminder that Christ suffers with us.
And if we are to risk rejection in this life,
may it be to fulfill the loving reason we are here.
And may those who have been rejected, for any reason,
and who are suffering now among us.
Find comfort and trustworthy relationships within our community.
In the name of God who is love,
Christ who is our hope,
and the Spirit who helps us endure.
Amen
Listening with you,
Further reading:
Systematic theology: Christology, Ecclesiology
The Brain & the Spirit, Chapter 4, A Borrowed Body, “The Scapegoat Mechanism,” pp. 82–90; “Jesus,” pp. 90–91; “Forgiveness,” pp. 91–96; “The Story of Jesus,” pp. 96–97.
